Conflict Resolution

Written by Deepak Chopra

The principles of conflict resolution can be applied at any level of life where we find conflict—personal, social, national and even in the international sphere. Before I begin conflict resolution mediation I first ask the opposing parties to visualize what would happen if the conflict continues as it is now for one year. Then I ask them to extend that vision up to five years. Let them get a good sense of the life cost they are paying for keeping this conflict going. Then I ask what would happen if the conflict was resolved in one year. How would life look five years after this disagreement has been resolved? If, after this visualization, they agree that things would be much better after the resolution of conflict we move to the next stage. I now ask them to agree on the following principles even before we start the mediation. These following nine principles are the essential preconditions for a successful mediation.

1. They will speak to each other and treat each other with respect.
2. They will acknowledge that both sides feel injustice has been done to them.
3. They will be willing to forgive and be forgiven of the past.
4. They will refrain from trying to prove the other wrong or make them lose face.
5. They will acknowledge that there is fear on both sides.
6. They will not bring ideology or religion into the discussion.
7. They will not be belligerent.
8. They will try and understand each other’s value system (values usually unite even though beliefs often divide).
9. They will use the well-known principles of emotional intelligence.
(These include understanding and getting in touch with their own feelings and experiencing the feelings of the opposing party.)

If the parties agree to these principles then we use a modified version of Marshal Rosenberg techniques of non-violent communication. These principles include asking the following questions:

1. What are we observing? (Here observation is separated from judgment.)
2. What are we feeling? (Once again feelings should be separated from blaming the other.)
3. What is the unmet need? (To understand needs better, it’s a good idea to review the hierarchy of needs: survival and safety, achievement and success, love and belongingness, self-esteem, creative expression, higher guidance, and finally transcendence.)
4. What is the specific behavioral change (not attitude change) that we would like from the other person? This must be a request and not a demand.

These questions help the parties find clarity on what is important and what can be changed. This directs their energies into productive outcomes instead of rehashing old grievances and trying to retaliate.

I have also found that if the conflicting parties get to know each other on a more personal level, they are less likely to demonize each other. This means sharing personal stories of their life, childhood, and family. It helps humanize the other if we have shared experiences of heartbreaks, successes, and tragedies. At the end of a session I suggest we all go out for dinner together to an ethnic restaurant different from each other’s ethnicity. It seems like a trivial thing, but everyone understands the message and takes it to heart.

These are fundamental principles of conflict resolution that can be applied in every situation that requires resolving differences. The most important thing is to have the intention for peace. If both parties have a good faith commitment to a peaceful outcome, and that is the mutual guiding light for the discussion, then a peaceful resolution can usually be found.